I’m vindictive on the inside maybe, but usually not on the outside. I blow stuff off if I can. Lash, someone I considered a friend, just sent out an email accusing me of landing him in jail. Some of his friends are my friends too, and they’re asking me, “How could you do that to poor Lashie?” Well, I didn’t do anything. He did it all just fine to himself.

Here’s the e-mail he sent that has people mad at me:
“Everybody’s been bitchin’ about no blog/email for a while. Well, enjoy this one ’cause it’s gonna be another while ’til the next. As part of my plea bargain in the lawsuit and charges from killing Mick’s grass with the rancid bottle of Stinko, (apparently the E.P.A. had to come in and do a whole big cleanup thing with the space suits and everything) I got a 30 day stint to serve.”

So now it’s just about saving face. On one thing we agree: my yard is a brown mess from that foul bottle of cologne. And there is no question it was Lash who did it. Anyone who has ever smelled that essence-of-ass his girlfriend smeared on him would have recognized the hoo-hah emanating from my yard. And I didn’t call the police. My neighbors called the police on me, thanks to the eau-du-Lash and my tell-tale fried grass. The cops followed the scent to Lash, which didn’t require any sniffing dogs.

And for the record, he didn’t just toss the bottle of Stinko in my yard. He very artfully poured it on my grass so it would burn a brown, malodorous message that I get to admire all summer. See for yourself.

The fact is, I still consider Lash a friend, stink and all. I even went to visit him in the clink. (You won’t believe who he’s sharing a cell with. Click here.)

The EPA says Lash will be out of jail long before my yard grows back, and if you really want to feel sorry for someone, pity those guys who had to actually pick up that nasty bottle of Stinko and ride with it in the truck, then explain to their wives and dogs what they got into. One EPA guy passed out right in my yard, and guess who had to give him mouth-to-mouth?

Bleah!