Michael Campbell

Story Time.

Elected By a Hair

by | Jun 27, 2007 | Uncategorized

I’ve never been much of a joiner or Rotarian or anything. I’m not good at meetings because the people who enjoy talking the most tend to have the least to say, and I have a dangerously low regard for human life.

But attending a Democratic Party Fundraiser last week was too good an offer to refuse. More speeches and pats on the back and honors than a high school graduation, and lots of “may-I-introduce-my-dear-friend-and-colleague…”, but still it’s fun to see famous politicians just walking around loose. It would have been worth the admission just to see Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson and His Mighty Hair, except I was a guest and didn’t pay any admission at all.

I have been to Republican dinners before. Republicans offer chicken or beef, but everyone orders beef. Democrats know what is the Public Good so they just bring you beef. After that, the dinners were the same.

I noticed a reliable trend and my date confirmed it: local politicians all seemed to be balding, while national politicians have gobs of hair. I think this is why five million of his own dollars couldn’t get Pete Ricketts elected to the US Senate. Perhaps he should consider State Treasurer, like Shane Osborn, who was elected to that local post even though he has a crew cut and his only qualification for public service is that his American plane crashed into a Chinese plane, and now he sells plane insurance.

Best of all, not counting the cheesecake, was that I got to see former US Senator and presidential hopeful Bob Kerrey. He is like one of the Lesser Kennedys: very bright and inspiring but not as photogenic as John or Bobby. I think he would have been president if he were prettier and had a regular shaped head. He was defeated in the primaries by Al Gore, who is hairier. After his speech I was ready to join up, his hair notwithstanding.

Of course, I still didn’t drop any cash into the bowls held by scowlingly expectant girls at the door.


  1. jo(e)

    I think the reason men in power have tried for so long to keep women out of political races is obvious: they are threatened by wonderful hair.

  2. Stolmit

    I found your site through another blogger. I am so glad I did. I’ve enjoyed reading some of your posts. Thanks for the laughs while making me think at the same time. Great satrical (did I spell that correctly) humor.

  3. Picky Mick

    Glad I could make you think. Here’s something else to think about: “satirical.”

    Thanks for the kind message, Stolmit! Spread the word…


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