Just days before Christmas
Foul weather is pending
Rain into ice into snow neverending
I try to wrap presents. For hours I linger
Could tape stick to anything else but my finger?
Of all of life’s mysteries, I want to know:
To save our own lives, why can’t men tie a bow?
I tried to find presents creative and neat
That I’m almost done isn’t any small feat
Just things here and there for a last minute run
An LED Frisbee and Daisy air gun
But what to my wondering eyes should appear?
A blizzard forthcoming! Must get in high gear!
Is everyone shopping? What is this rat race?
Is it too much to ask for, just one parking space?
A sharp elbow here, a karate chop there
And I finished my shopping, just hours to spare
I got what I went for, my mission undaunted
A Daisy air rifle, like I always wanted!
My hands wrapped around it—it felt so much bigger
Than I had imagined. I fingered the trigger
And Blam! How should I know the damn thing was loaded?!?
The dog barked, a glass broke, the lightbulb exploded
The cat screamed and leapt and clamped onto the dog
Who squealed like a pig as he spilled my eggnog
With puss on his ass he dove under the tree
Where the cat got entangled and couldn’t shake free
The Christmas tree trembled, it shivered and quivered
And teetered and tottered before fate delivered
The final Ke-Bash! And before I could get her
Down came the ornaments, tinsel and glitter
We stood there agape after all of that riot
A clatter, a tinkle — and then all was quiet
The dog licked his wounds as he glared at the cat
Who pointed at me and said “That’s who did that!”
Then both turned to me through the mangled-up muck
And eyed me as if to say, “Dude, WTF!?”
I only intended to give it a tryout
It ricocheted back and damn near put my eye out
But all I could think as it lodged in my tuchus
Was what if I’d got one of those toy bazookas?